It is a wonder to me that I am not more of a misandrist as a direct result of all my contact with straight men and their idiotic and passive aggressive sexuality. (I am a misandrist for other reasons) I think this might be because the kinds of worms I interact with do not really feel real to me- in fact their sexual requests seem to me often a kind of punch line or joke... I do not consider them part of my celestial realm... I suppose this is built into the exchange. But it certainly carries through and though sometimes I  am haunted by the contents of certain sessions (most often a smell memory) the job doesn't really make me hate men anymore than I already do... It's pointless to hate them, I guess. Like I have said before, you have to care about someone to hate them. And they are just... So far beneath my celestial queer desire that I don't even see them. I have a deep understanding of these worms, though, that deepens with every session- their passive aggression, the silence and shyness and embarrassment associated with their desire... Makes them act like misogynist assholes. They are all scared. Especially the cruel ones.

Often they pay me to take control- to possess their sexuality so they don't have to be responsible for it. I am paid to do the labor of their desire. This is cowardice. Then they can hate me later instead of hating themselves.